Worthy Of Courage

(Not unlike the Cowardly Lion, we all--at some point--ask if we will ever find courage, and thus begin our worthiness quest......)

There is a specific reason I chose to write about courage on this date; one year ago today, at approximately 9:50 in the morning, I propelled myself across our garage, arms flailing, loads of art flying, my body bouncing off hard items and managed to become airborne, before landing at the front of the garage, directly on my right femur head, feeling the femoral neck break as it hit the concrete floor.
I was alone.
No cell phone near, nothing.
I laid in pain, shrieking as only a person severely injured can. It is that primal sound that comes from your gut. It is something you do not want to hear.
I had no choice but to roll myself over, use my left leg to stabilize the broken right hip, and crawl hand over hand the full length of the garage, back to my studio, up four steps, and reach the phone to call my husband. (and yes, this was all in excruciating pain....)
Was this courage? I don't know. People have described it as such but I prefer to think of it as some innate survival instinct. You don't know what you're capable of until it happens. Then the adrenalin kicks in.
Today, March 11, 2010, I feel courageous. I am WORTHY of saying that. I have survived one bad surgery, one great surgery, am on my third bout of physical therapy and am determined beyond belief that I am going to function like I did before. That is where the courage kicks in.
When you are down, when the people you thought were friends quickly scamper away like rats leaving the sinking ship, when you realize projects you have sunk your heart into are gone, when you finally PUT YOUR NEEDS FIRST---that is courage.
It is a difficult quality to pinpoint, and we are pretty well brainwashed into thinking of *heros* as courageous......but like the great garage fall, most of the time, it is gut instinct or training at play. I am not saying there is not bravery of a certain sort involved---but we are dealing with a different animal, though closely related.
You are worthy of the courage to stand and speak when something is not RIGHT; morally, ethically, politically. You are worthy of that because within you there is a voice that needs to be heard, and it takes a tremendous amount of courage to speak up and not back down.
Courage is reaching out to those who are normally forgotten, when you may be socially ostracized, when there is the very good chance that emotional hurt will be involved. Courage is digging deep to face personal issues head on and not sweep them under the carpet and not be swayed when you know what you must do.
Courage is that moment when you know you cannot live by foolish rules set down by others, and define your own set of life-rules, and then daily, stick to them.
It is the fire in the belly, the conviction in your soul, the temper you feel rise in your blood.
You are WORTHY of this.
Why?
Because then, you will be living your own life, and not one planned for you by someone else. You will be walking unwalked paths, gaining knowledge and strength each step of the way. You will be sturdy like the oak but bend like a willow when you must.......because sometimes courage involves silence. To think, to decide, to ponder how to proceed.
We are most worthy of these qualities because we are finite creatures, and with courage, we can leave a footprint that will be followed by others.
Yes, you can break away.
Yes, you can seek your dreams.
Yes, you can succeed....because you have gone forward courageously. You certainly are worth that....are you not?
My journey is not over. My courage failed when I was assigned this last therapy round. I felt sorry for myself, pondering the loss of a year of normal life, and at 50, it's a lot different than when you are younger. I wanted to retreat, to sit and withdraw, to try and forget how I had been in my *previous existance*.....the tall blonde woman in the tight swishy dress and high heels, the firebrand, the perpetual joker. I thought for sure it was all gone. How much more could I go through, emotionally and physically? Was this endless? Was the pain endless?
Then that devilish little fire-starter in my belly tuned up and reminded me I have places to go, things to do, stillettos to wear and many people left to annoy!
And so, I step forward again, courageously, to prove I am worthy of this. And I will be whole again.
Join me. Prove your worth.

Oh, by the way. No more flights across the garage....I think I'll walk the next time....   ;-)

Pax.

P.S. Home from PT, and I have worked so hard, I have only TWO MORE SESSIONS!!! And I did tell them I had been crawling on the sewing tables, up ladders, lifting bookcases........maybe they're sick of me.....LOL!!!