Life On Hiatus.....

Sweetheart roses from my very best Sweetheart, Gary, for Valentine's Day. Love you!

.....again. Back in the chemo routine, which seems to consume most of my time, and what isn't spoken for with that is taken up with the necessities of everyday, PLUS, occasionally, some studio time. (which I sorely miss, btw)
Have to apologize for the long lapse in posts, and honestly, posting from here forward will be more erratic than my *normal* erratic~~yep, figure that one out, lol!
Still in all, tho I did not want to have to sit in that chemo chair again, and knowing I would anyway, LIFE IS GOOD.
Every day is a moment to find something beautiful to focus on and sometimes take notes for later creativity. It's not what you're going through; it's how you choose to manage it. I am bulldozing forward. I know of no other way to function.
So occasionally I will pop in and update~~cannot promise how often as I am quite jealous with my time and if I have something most enjoyable as a possibility, or fighting with my old nemesis Blogger.....ummmmm.....I think you know which activity will be chosen.  ;-)
I do miss, as I've mentioned before, visiting blogs and commenting and heck, even posting here. But I have to make concessions.
It's okay, and it's all good.
Blogging is fun; Life is vital.
I wish both for all my readers.


Pax....
 

Relearning Painting: What Chemo Brain Does

Art from B.C.~~before chemo. Cranked out a series of these.

This is not my usual tongue-in-cheek post but a bit more serious and hopefully you'll read along. Not boring, a little more observational. I promise I will make it up with one of my off the wall posts....join me now...this is my life at the moment.
I write about returning to painting after chemo and the challenges it presents, but mostly, how I have observed what was going on and stepped into the role of  "documenting" as opposed to frustrated artist.
First off, "chemo brain" is real and differs for each person. I experienced driving home from the grocery and trying to remember what road to take, concluding that I would have to take a route I have not driven for YEARS. That was NOT a Hallmark Moment.....so the motherboard was working fine, but the RAM was seriously messed up. I knew that. I accepted it.
I just did not think it would have an affect on painting, or art. I've done this all my life, and I felt it was so deeply ingrained into my being that nothing could be lost. It was me and I was it and the chemo would just make me a little more out in left field. I had managed with the side effects of neuropathy in both fingers and toes (pain, and nominal feeling/control), had learned to hold things with what I called my *Super-Monkey-Grip* and so I surely could do the same with paint brushes.
I could slop gesso. Good.
I could use tools in place of trying to hold small objects with my fingers. Good.
I could manage abstract backgrounds for assemblage. Good.
And then I sat down to try and recreate a style of work I had done over and over.
And the brain chose not to be present.

This is what I'm trying to recreate......BUT.....

This is pretty much what the brain sees, and is NOT CO-OPERATING one bit.

It was the oddest feeling I'd had through EVERYTHING; here I was looking at my own art, and trying to figure out HOW DID I MAKE THIS???
There were two options; one being to quit and find something else to do (not an option, really)  ~~OR~~  distance myself from the confusion and look at the piece as if someone else had made it and I was trying to copy it.
I am guessing only that I was engaging the left brain now, and the right brain would have it's say later.
I mentally dissected what I *thought* would work, starting with the basics of pulling paints and gel mediums. I studied and studied, noting each wash of color and what was underneath. I began to slowly remember a few of the colors I used, but the rest were pure guessing.
Then came the issue of painting the background. I had done this all by rote without a thought previously, and now I was not even sure which BRUSH it was I normally used. Breathe deep...let the hand wander.
*It* picked the right one, and began laying down paint as I had before, but the sensation was one of being someone else watching that hand work. It took some adjusting to accept that THIS was going to be the norm for a while. This was painting after chemo; suck it up and watch away.
Honestly, it is fascinating in a bizarre way. I am aware of the thought that goes into the work, and also how the body actually has it's own memory. I just start work and let things happen.
Bit by bit, I begin to remember all the tools of the trade. I may not be sure how I used them, but I know they are important, and keep them close visually. That seems to get the neurons firing right.
I am really understanding on a different level why art therapy works so well.
As I was able, during treatment, I began my daily journaling again, faithfully, three pages longhand, sometimes five, to keep the skill of writing active and force my fingers to move, to make words, to grip the pen. 
Typing however, is still a hilarious mish-mash. The dyslexia that was a blip on the radar screen before is now an incoming 747, on a continual crash course with the keyboard. Thank heaven's for FireFox's built in spell check!
I accept this.
No fighting, just observing, making notes.
Because it is better to be HERE, facing these interesting challenges, than the other option......

And finally, some success~~the new piece at about the halfway stage; more ability to remember now and push forward.

Never take for granted what you do without thinking.
But seeing it through new eyes, well, it's pretty impressive!
Now I have to go see what my hands can get into.....


Pax....

Long Time No Blog!!!! (or, OMG-How-Did-I-Survive?????)

First off, I have missed everyone sooo much!!! It seems as though I've not blogged in months, but I am thinking it is closer to a week......my brain and time evaluation make for bad partners.....LOL!!! Frankly, anything associated with my brain anymore makes for a bad partnership. Hmmmmmm.....must be Mental-Pause.

Updates on my hands, pain, etc. I am on a new med. It appears to be helping, as long as I behave. Behave, as in:

--Watching how much time I spend on here.

--Watching how much I do that is stressful.

--Watching my knitting SIT and not get any bigger.......

--PFFFT!!!

Photography is still in the *can do* catagory, so I am thankful for that!

I received so many lovely comments and well wishes over the time I was off here, I am humbled and completely blown away. And at a loss for words too. I appreciate every single one. I think I got most of them posted. If there were a few I did not post, it was because something struck me as exceptionally personal and I squirrelled them away in my e-mail, where they keep my heart warm.

Thank You----all of you! You remind me why I blog!!!

So to gently glide back into the routine, I am posting some delightful shots I lucked out with. This butterfly did not seem to mind posing at all, and I took full advantage of the situation. The one photo with both the butterfly AND the bee was a perk---I did not know the bee was in it until I brought it up to size it for publishing! One of those lovely little surprises of photography!
I have been working on some art, and when I post it, it will be in a couple of photo intensive posts. Been trying to remember along the way to take pics of what I am doing.......we're back to those brain issues again. (I've noticed the new med does NOTHING to help my forgetfulness, eventhough it is just for arthritis....I mean, is it too much to ask for ONE PILL to fix EVERYTHING?????LOL!!!) So hopefully those will start being put up later this week.
The only adventure of note I have had was when I took the hatchet to chop down a dead tree in the yard and then dragging it to the far reaches of the back forty to rot. The sight of me, squatted down, swinging a razor-sharp hatchet and wearing soft shoes and knit pants is...well....something you don't want to think about before breakfast.
P.D.U. (pretty damn ugly!)
I really need to lose weight so I can get back in my work jeans......or at least be sensible enough to put on my steel-toed work boots.
Now that I have utterly ruined your Monday morning with that mental visual, I shall leave. There is art to be made and hopefully I can work my way around a few blogs before the hands give out.
I'm really trying to behave.
Really.
REALLY.

Quit laughing.....

Pax.

WOO-WOO-WOO....And We're OFF!!!

This is absolutely not a visual reference to the surgeon I have now, because he is wonderful; this is more about my life this past year, of going from pillar to post trying to get patched back up into a semi-normal state of being!

As you read this, I will be on my way to my follow-up, which I am hoping will go good eventhough another issue has reared it's ugly head from *previous* physician, A.K.A., The Abominable Dr. Phibes........the knee that takes vacations when I really need it's support the most.

I have been trying for almost a solid year to get this addressed, and it kept being blown off. I was hoping that maybe once the hip was back in the right position and the leg relengthened, that the knee issues would solve themselves.

Oh no. I am most definitely Curly, of the trio. The other day it landed me on the floor, and as I laid there on my back, I would like to say I was only shouting out "WooWooWooWooWoo!!!" but I am afraid a few other words slipped into the atmosphere, turning it a most lovely shade of blue.

(ahem!)

So once again, Anne is having more adventures than she would like, and not the type I would like, but that is why I like the Stooges...because too many of their stunts echo my whole life! At least my sense of humor is still intact and I don't think my funny bone is fractured. If I did not laugh......well.....you know how that goes.

Sometime before the next millenium, I might get to post art on here again. You think???

At any rate, I hope everyone has a fun day and a creative day and that you aren't having an "Anne-moment"........I really don't want to pass them around.

I'd like to keep my blog-friends.

Until later.......

Pax.

Designing under the weather......

Well, whether it be a bug or fatigue or just the *Mid-Winter Tummy Grumbles*......your gentle blog-mistress is under the weather today, and I do apologize for all the other blogs I have NOT read and left comments on.

Yesterday I wasn't feeling too good, just exhausted mostly, and then this morning, helloooooo Mr. Bug! So to kill some time I started piddling around with something specifically for Valentine's Day in the Zazzle shop---not that I think the world will SWARM to this---but it gave me something to DO.   ;-)  The opposite side has the "Java Love" on it, with the print in between, so this is a full wrap-around mug. And for a brief moment, it was actually featured on the front page of Zazzle under Valentine's Day items! (I am sure it is waaaaaaay back in the pages and pages of mugs by now! LOL! and boy, there is a lot of just stuff on there.....) Actually, if you're curious on how the whole design looks, click the text for the shop up above.....it was kind of fun laying it out as a whole. I wouldn't mind one of these myself, plus I left it so it could be put on any type of mug, travel mug or glass mug. The white travel mug looked pretty good!

Now I am off to rest and try and figure if I'm really *sick* or just completely worn to a nub. I am sort of voting on the second......

To all of my blog-friends, I will be around to visit as soon as I can! I miss hearing from everyone and seeing what y'all are up to!

Till later.......when I am better rested and pithy and perky.......(or snarky and sarcastic, as the case may be!).......

Pax.

Scarf...(ahem)...Surgeon Follow Up

Hey everyone! This is a quickie as I am pooped from the day out for the appointment. We had (of course!) blowing snow this morning so it was a bit longer getting to Fort Wayne but overall the roads were good. I was nervous for this first follow up due to not knowing exactly where I stood.
Okay---pun intended!!!---laugh!
From the room next door I here my doc gently scolding a woman about exercise, etc and I'm thinking, Oh Lord, have I been GOOD???? Puh-leeeeeze!!! (I have to admit after the last hip adventure with Dr. Jackass involved, I did have some trepidation about the appointment today.)
I got to see the X-Rays of my hardware, which was pretty cool really, and when the Surgeon came in he was very happy with my gait and my ability to do the ballet-bend to pick things up off the floor. The leg has good ROM and.......LOOK OUT WORLD!!!.....
I Officially Can DRIVE!!!!
LOL! I did not tell him I had been practising....... <:-)
So I have to pace myself, keep doing what I am doing, and then next month, we'll see where we are. He did find humor in my keeping the biohazard container and spent sharps for art; he just laughed and shook his head. That's fine. Obviously, at some level, he gets it.
And, I wore the scarf---that huge monster was exceptionally warm wrapped a couple of times about my neck; it was windy and extra cold up there. And DH and I had a nice time.....
So, if I don't check in tomorrow morning, well, you got double of me in one day and what more could you ask for???
Double the brain drivel, double the fun!
Now I am off for feet up, hot tea and maybe even a snooze.
Oh, I did start a hat with the leftover yarn. There will still be enough for socks for centipedes......oy.
Many, many centipedes...........

Pax.


P.S.  Yes, this is the lazy way of *answering* comments......at least for today! If I totally missed something, let me know. It is quite possible.

Playing Photographically--or-- How I Get Sidetracked On Work....

I was in the process of getting the completed hearts ready for shooting when I looked at the table and decided the mess was delicious camera fodder. I want to add, this is all just as it was on the table; nothing was moved for better photos.....it is my mess.

This close crop was exceptionally pleasing; I liked the flow of reds with the touches of white.  It is one I could easily see having lettering over it and being used as a blog header or for an Etsy store.....maybe it's the size, the colors, I don't know. I am sure the shape has a lot to do with it.

All the photos should enlarge, so give them a click and see more of the detail. That is the fun part!

And now we pull back a bit. This was what the previous sliver was cropped aggressively from, though I like the clutter and lack of organization in this too. The cutting mat on the table, with the grid, adds an odd sense of attempted order in a completely unordered conglomeration of supplies!

And the final shot, from whence the others came (actually the first shot) showing two more panels covered with the B&W damask paper, some clay tidbits, pencils, pens......there is so much colorwise that I think it would be fun to further crop small sections, providing almost abstract images. Odd how a simple photograph can get the creative eye going and produce numerous results.

And the completed hearts?

They shall have to wait till tomorrow or possibly the next day. I am not doing well with the leg (have overdone stuff---imagine that!) and cannot sit long enough to crop them and get them squared. I hope you'll forgive me......I was all excited about getting them on blog for today as they took me by the hand and showed me what they wanted to become! Quite seriously, things happened I had not planned, it was some unexpected joy-ride and the results were very nice!

All in all, I think you'll find them worth the wait.

Now back to the do-nothing, leg-elevated, squat-on-TV, have-knit-myself-blind, I-am-being-Miz-Cranky-Pants, rest time.

Pfffft!

I know; it is for my own good, and good is what I send to all of you. Good thoughts, good wishes, good health and definitely good humor!

And of course,

Pax.

P.S. Happy Birthday Dad! I know it is a good day where you are!!! ♥

My Wish Come True.......(and another Welcome!)

....this past Saturday I was released from the hospital, walking good (but VERY SLOOOOOOW), had a wonderful drive home with DH in the snowfall, a quick stop for burgers and finally, home for the Holidays!
Thank you all for your thoughts and prayers; I cannot begin to say thanks individually because I know I would miss someone, but when I opened my e-mailbox and watched the overflow of messages, from individuals, from FB posts, the mail on the table when I got in the kitchen....it was truly overwhelming.
Now I have to brag a bit on the facility I was at, due to the *vault-of-horror* experience I went through earlier in the year at "Brand-X Hospital".
The  proceedure was done at Orthopaedics North East on the Parkview North Campus in Fort Wayne. (my surgeon was Dr. Harris, who has officially earned the Anne-Lockard-Says-YOU-ROCK!-Award) I have never in my life had the pleasure of meeting so many fine, well educated, caring people--a professionally run organization, but individual care and concern, from the cleaning staff and dietary, thru the Chaplains and MAs right up to each and every RN and Doctor/Surgeon....to my favorites, Physical and Occupational Therapy. (simply because they, ultimately, were the ones who gave me the mobility and dressing skills to come home and torment my gentle readers again! LOL!) So a stay for a major surgery was as pleasant as it could possibly be......Yeah, that sounds odd but it is true.
As to my computer time? Limited. I need to be mobile as much as possible and do my exercises. That's cool. We all have things to do right now and DH is not--I repeat--NOT going to let me out in the snow with the camera balanced on the walker.......ahem......There are many things I will have to relearn mobility wise and work wise, and that is for a bit later so no studio and frankly, I'm not even sure if I can figure out properly sitting to do ATCs. That's cool.

The best thing yet, the biggest present (and why the surgeon rocks):

I am back to a 34" inseam on both legs!!!! My surgeon was able to get the right leg back to what it was before the Abomnible Dr. Phibes worked on me, so I literally am learning to rebalance, etc. But I am soooo happy!!!! (okay, I never was too well balanced in the first place but we won't discuss that since it had nothing to do with the leg...SNARF!)
That's it Kiddies; comments are ON, I may not be able to reply to each but they will all be read and, dang, there is no place like Blog for the Holidays!!!! <:-)
I am so blessed and I wish the same for all of you, and of course......

Pax.


P.S. Welcome to wackysaks.....and I apologize for this being at the bottom, but I still have *hospital-head* and had to do it while the thought was in the brain........before it completely dribbled out.....and I love your bags!

Of Better Humors and Health

Well, sometimes it takes just a bit to shake off the crud and get life back on a managable path. For me, it was purging on blog. For DH, it was finally feeling like he was at the end of whatever it is he has had to suffer through. Thankfully, nothing resembling pneumonia this time around....  <:-)

I am sewing, or doing errands. Both have to be done today and it is just a matter of which is going to fall where. You know; the typical artist juggling act. Should we EAT and have MONEY in the bank or should I work in the STUDIO? (we all would pick the second choice, I know...)
Decisions, decisions.
HA.
The second banner is progressing and I must admit the voices of friends make the work easier and more managable. Like, I can believe I will have both done! Barring illness or the complete collapse of the universe as we know it...and then it wouldn't matter.
Later I will have to post the pics of the finished "Socks-From-Hell" and the "Almost-Stockings" I have toiled away at in the spare resting moments of evening, sitting with DH. The "Almost-Stockings" are almost done, needing a ribbed top, which could take a while, or until the yarn runs out....whichever comes first!
And now I am off to become Wonder Woman and get everything done today.
(I hear you laughing....)
May you have a great week and may you be creative!

Pax.

What A Day!

Sorry kiddies, no pics today--this is just to update y'all on my day yesterday in Ft. Wayne.
DH took the day off to drive me up, which was good because I had managed to work myself into such a lather that 1 mg. of my anxiety med barely touched my *state*.......now is that stupid or what??? I've known for a while what the options were going to be and still, I feel the need to do my "Hamster-In-A-Wheel" routine. ACK. And OY!
Actually, we ended up having a lovely day; found a half-price bookstore. DH came out with a stack of CD's and I came out with a stack of books--one on ATC's that I had wanted but did not want to pay $23 or even half price when some of the stores had coupons. There was soooo much intellectual material; I holed up in the medical section, looking at a book on Orthopaedic Pathology which was rife with quite interesting pictures! Came home with a more recent version of the Physicians Desk Reference, something I feel I *need* for full medication information.
The Dr. visit went well; I finally found the one. His P.A. came in first, we talked a long time and discussed the films, pain, history, etc. Nice young man with a sense of humor who was trying to keep it under control as I called the previous "person" (refuse to say M.D.) a jackass. I told him it was quite alright to laugh, and I could see the mischief oozing out in his smile and snicker.
The Dr. was fabulous; the consult was probably 30 minutes---no rush, asked the P.A. what he saw, I had copies of the post-op films for them to look at---then the options started. (I'm not listing that stuff here--hope you understand) I looked at him and said politely, "Look, I worked for a physician, I've had surgeons and M.D.s for friends; so no sugar coating." and that was when he kicked back and we REALLY talked. It was sooooooo productive!!! He was relaxed, I was happy, information flowed, concerns were answered and a course of action planned.
I felt relieved, for the first time in ages. Of course, poor DH was about green in the waiting room because of the time spent with me----I came out happy, he came out looking like he needed to head to a bar! (which we did not) Told him everything and that I was delighted to have ANSWERS. Then he calmed down.
Now for the humor.
Of course they wanted their own set of films since all the films I had brought were mine to keep (art-art-ART!), so they had me put on a pair of grey work out shorts to shoot the xrays, as the trousers I wore had a metal hook and zipper.
And there I stand, all 5'10" of me in grey knit shorts, black top, grey and black tight bolero sweater, 3/4 sleeves, white anklets with lace trim and black patent leather shoes with small heels a bit higher than kitten heels, and of course, my white, pasty legs going on for miles. I looked like I should break into a bizarre tap-dance at any moment! THAT is what I needed the picture of! LOL!!!
So for anyone who wants details, e-mail me and this evening I'll do a bulk e-mail about *the works*.
Today I have business I have to get taken care of, the dry studio to convert for the large banner fabric and then of course, dinner for DH.
And on much less sleep than I needed! Way much less... I am in Zombie-Land right now and the coffee is not helping.
Maybe tomorrow I can do a bit of a tutuorial on a discovery I made with German Glass Glitter and the continuation of what I am doing with the b.g. we did the tute on earlier. Depends on how today goes. It might require another day....... (sigh)
Thanks you ALL for your prayers, thoughts and energy; I know I was guided to where I was to be!
And now I'm to be at work or something like it, so I bid you all.....

Pax.

Entering Another Round......

...of the Doctor thing.
Here's the scoop; Monday's X-rays show a "questionable persistant Fx line on the R femur".....
Plain English:
Something is going on and not healing. As I suspected.
So. Friday I go for a CT, will pick up films, and then come home and have a total collapse. Next Tuesday I see an Ortho in Ft. Wayne, and I have a feeling I know what he will say, which I refuse to write here because I just think it is bad luck.
I feel like the statue opening that crypt door. Immobile. Trying to work and mind so in knots I can't remember what I am doing. Attempting to get everything in order in case of another hospital stay. Can't figure out how to get banners done and everything else, and they must be done because I have too much money involved in them and I can't ask the church to wait for a second set.
I also feel like I am getting ready to step through a door I do not want to........
I am anticipating downtime on the blog, strictly because I need to get a lot done in a little time.
I hope you'll all be there when I get back with something of value to post.
This has been a year of ups and downs, and one more down and I am going to throw a big fit.
So, that's where we are kiddies. No more till I know what the heck is going on.
Go out and be creative and enjoy this Fall season upon us.
I bid you......

Pax.